June 17, 2026
Picture this moment: Your toddler is on the floor of the supermarket, tears streaming, because you said no to a cookie. Or perhaps your preschooler has just thrown their favorite toy across the room after losing a game with their sibling. In these moments of big feelings, your child isn't just being difficult—they're experiencing something their developing brain cannot yet handle alone.
As parents, we often feel pressure to "fix" these moments quickly, to calm the storm and restore peace. But here's what decades of child development research tells us: young children don't yet have the neural wiring to regulate their emotions independently. They need us—our calm, our presence, our steady heartbeat—to help them find their way back.
This process is called co-regulation, and it's one of the most powerful gifts you can give your child during their early childhood development. At Runningbrook International Preschool, we've witnessed thousands of moments where a calm adult presence transforms a child's emotional experience. Today, we want to share what we've learned with you.
Before we explore strategies, let's normalize what you're seeing. Big feelings are not a sign that something is wrong with your child—they're a sign that your child is developing exactly as they should. However, each age brings its own emotional landscape.
At this age, babies experience emotions intensely but have no words to express them. You might see:
These little ones are entirely dependent on you for emotional regulation. Your heartbeat, your voice, your gentle rocking—these are the tools that help their nervous system settle.
Welcome to the age of "NO!" and the classic tantrum. Toddlers are discovering their independence while simultaneously realizing they can't do everything they want. This creates genuine internal conflict. You might observe:
Remember: your toddler isn't giving you a hard time; they're having a hard time.
Children at this age are developing more emotional vocabulary but still struggle with impulse control. You might see:
These older preschoolers are becoming more sophisticated in their emotional expression, but they still need significant support. You might notice:
It's essential to remember that children develop at different rates, and what's typical for one child may look different for another. Your child's emotional development is influenced by their temperament, their experiences, and even their cultural background. In our multicultural environment at Runningbrook, we see beautiful variations in how children from more than 35 countries express and manage emotions—and all of these variations are valid.
Dr. Stuart Shanker, a leading researcher in self-regulation, explains that children learn to regulate their emotions not through instruction but through experience. When a calm adult is present during a child's emotional storm, something remarkable happens: the child's nervous system begins to "borrow" regulation from the adult.
This isn't just poetic language—it's neuroscience. Mirror neurons in your child's brain pick up on your emotional state. When you remain calm (even if you're faking it a little), your child's brain receives signals that the situation is manageable. Over time, with hundreds of these co-regulation experiences, children develop the neural pathways to regulate themselves.
Dr. Dan Siegel, clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA, describes this as "feeling felt." When children sense that we understand their experience—not just their behavior but their inner world—they feel safe enough to begin calming down.
Here are five strategies you can implement immediately, adapted for different ages and situations:
This might be the most challenging and most important step. Before you can help your child, you need to find your own center. This doesn't mean suppressing your frustration—it means acknowledging it and choosing your response.
Try this: When you feel your own stress rising, take three slow breaths. Drop your shoulders. Soften your face. You might even place a hand on your own heart. This isn't just for show—it genuinely shifts your nervous system state, and your child will sense the difference.
Real-life scenario: Your three-year-old has just spilled an entire cup of juice on your laptop. Your first instinct might be to yell. Instead, pause. Turn away for a moment if needed. Take those breaths. Then return to your child with intention rather than reaction.
Physical proximity and positioning matter enormously in co-regulation. Towering over a distressed child can feel threatening, even if that's not your intention.
Try this: When your child is upset, lower yourself to their level. Sit on the floor with them. Open your body language—uncross your arms, soften your gaze. For younger children, offering your arms (without forcing a hug) can be incredibly regulating.
Real-life scenario: Your toddler is crying because their tower fell down. Instead of saying "It's okay!" from across the room, walk over, kneel beside them, and simply be present. Sometimes no words are needed—just your warm presence.
In our child-centered approach at Runningbrook, we've learned that validation is the bridge between big feelings and calm. Children need to feel understood before they can hear solutions.
Try this: Name what you see and what you imagine they're feeling. "You're crying. You really wanted that cookie, and I said no. That's disappointing." Resist the urge to immediately follow with "but" or a lesson.
Real-life scenario: Your five-year-old is furious because their sibling got a bigger piece of cake. Instead of explaining why it doesn't matter, try: "You noticed your piece looks smaller. That feels really unfair to you." Often, simply feeling heard helps the emotion pass more quickly.
Big emotions live in the body as much as the mind. Sensory input can help children (and adults!) shift out of dysregulation.
Try this:
At Runningbrook, our extensive indoor and outdoor play spaces give children natural opportunities for sensory regulation through play-based learning—climbing, swinging, digging in sand, and exploring nature.
After the big feelings have passed, resist the urge to lecture or immediately move on. This is a golden moment for connection and learning.
Try this: Once your child is calm, offer physical affection if they're receptive. You might say something simple like, "That was hard. You had really big feelings. I'm right here." With older preschoolers, you can later revisit the moment: "Remember when you felt so angry earlier? What did you notice in your body?"
Real-life scenario: After a twenty-minute tantrum about not wanting to leave the playground, your four-year-old finally calms down in the car. Instead of saying "I hope you learned your lesson," try a gentle hand squeeze and "I know that was tough. Leaving fun places is hard."
It's worth noting that different cultures have varying approaches to emotional expression in children. Some families encourage open expression of all emotions, while others value emotional restraint. Some cultures see big displays of emotion as healthy release, while others view them as concerning.
There is no single "right" way to help children with emotions. What matters most is that children feel safe, seen, and supported. In our bilingual education environment at Runningbrook, we honor the diverse approaches families bring while ensuring every child feels their emotions are valid.
You are the expert on your own child. You know their temperament, their history, their sensitivities. Trust yourself to adapt these strategies in ways that feel authentic to your family.
While big feelings are normal, it's also important to trust your instincts. If you're concerned about the intensity, frequency, or duration of your child's emotional reactions—or if you're struggling to cope yourself—reaching out for support is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Our dedicated educators at Runningbrook are always available to discuss what you're observing at home and share what we notice in our small group settings. Sometimes, patterns become clearer when home and school observations come together.
Here's the truth that can feel both comforting and overwhelming: you don't need to be perfect. You don't need to handle every tantrum with zen-like calm. You don't need to have all the answers.
What you need to do is keep showing up. Keep trying. Keep offering your presence, your patience, and your love—even when it's hard. Because every time you do, you're teaching your child something profound: emotions are manageable, connection is possible, and they are not alone.
At Runningbrook International Preschool, we believe deeply in the child-centered approach that honors each child's emotional journey. Since 1993, we've partnered with over 1,200 families in supporting children's early childhood development—including their emotional development. We know that the work you do at home, in those messy, tearful, beautiful moments of co-regulation, matters enormously.
Your calm is their calm. Your presence is their anchor. And even on the days when you lose your own calm (because you will, because you're human), your return to connection teaches them that relationships can rupture and repair—another essential lesson for life.
Thank you for the invisible, exhausting, transformative work you do every day. It matters more than you know.