April 23, 2026
At Runningbrook International Preschool, we've supported over 1,200 families from more than 35 countries since 1993, and we've learned that tantrums look different across cultures, ages, and individual children. What remains constant, however, is that every tantrum is a form of communication. Your child isn't giving you a hard time; they're having a hard time. This perspective shift can transform how we respond to these intense moments.
This article will help you understand what's happening in your child's brain during a tantrum, what behaviors you might observe at different developmental stages, and most importantly, practical strategies you can implement today to respond with compassion and effectiveness.
Before we can respond effectively to tantrums, it helps to understand what's happening inside your child's developing brain. Research in early childhood development has shown that the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation, impulse control, and logical thinking—isn't fully developed until the mid-twenties. In young children, this area is just beginning to form connections.
Dr. Daniel Siegel, clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA and author of numerous books on child development, describes what happens during a tantrum as the "downstairs brain" taking over. When children become overwhelmed by big emotions, the primitive, reactive part of their brain (the amygdala) essentially "hijacks" their ability to think clearly or respond to reason.
This is why telling a child in the middle of a meltdown to "calm down" or "use your words" often doesn't work—the part of their brain that could follow those instructions is temporarily offline. Understanding this biological reality helps us approach tantrums with more compassion and realistic expectations.
While tantrums can occur at any age during early childhood, they tend to look different depending on your child's developmental stage. Remember that children develop at different rates, and what's typical for one child may look different for another. Here's a general guide to what you might observe:
At this stage, what we see isn't technically a "tantrum" but rather expressions of distress. Babies and young toddlers cry, arch their backs, or flail when they're overwhelmed, tired, hungry, or frustrated. They have virtually no capacity to regulate their emotions and depend entirely on caregivers for co-regulation.
In our Growing Steps program at Runningbrook, educators respond to these expressions of need with immediate warmth and comfort, understanding that at this age, children need our help to return to a calm state.
Welcome to the peak tantrum years! Toddlers are developing a strong sense of self and independence, but their communication skills and emotional regulation abilities haven't caught up with their desires. This gap creates the perfect storm for meltdowns.
You might see:
In our Playgroup program, we recognize these behaviors as normal parts of development and use a child-centered approach to help toddlers begin building emotional vocabulary and coping skills through play-based learning.
Children in this age range are developing more language skills and beginning to understand cause and effect. Tantrums may become less frequent but can still occur, especially during transitions, when faced with disappointment, or when they're tired or overstimulated.
At this stage, you might observe:
Our Kid's Club program supports children in this stage by creating a bilingual education environment where they can practice expressing their feelings in multiple languages and learn from peers in our multicultural environment.
By this age, many children have developed more sophisticated emotional regulation skills, but tantrums can still happen, particularly during times of stress, big changes, or when they're pushing developmental boundaries. The triggers often become more complex—social conflicts, perfectionism, fear of failure, or feeling misunderstood.
In our Pre-Kinder program, educators work alongside children to develop problem-solving skills and emotional intelligence through intentional play-based learning activities that respect each child's developmental pace.
Now that we understand what's happening in your child's brain and what to expect at different stages, let's explore practical strategies you can implement immediately. Remember: you know your child best. Not every strategy will work for every child, and what works one day might not work the next. Trust your instincts and adapt these approaches to fit your family's needs and cultural values.
This is perhaps the most difficult and most important strategy. Your calm presence serves as an anchor for your child's stormy emotions. When you remain regulated, you're modeling the very skills you want your child to develop, and you're creating a safe container for their big feelings.
Practical tips:
We often tell families at Runningbrook that co-regulation precedes self-regulation. Children learn to calm themselves by first being calmed by us, hundreds of times, before they can do it independently.
During an intense tantrum, your first priority is safety—for your child, for you, and for others nearby. This might mean gently moving your child away from hard surfaces, removing objects that could cause harm, or simply staying close to prevent injury.
Once safety is established, offer connection. This doesn't mean giving in to unreasonable demands; it means communicating through your presence that you're there for them even when they're at their worst. Some children want to be held during a tantrum; others need space. Follow your child's cues.
You might say:
One of the most powerful things you can do during or after a tantrum is acknowledge your child's feelings without necessarily giving in to their demands. This teaches children that all feelings are acceptable, even when all behaviors are not.
Imagine your three-year-old is melting down because they wanted the blue cup and you gave them the red one. You can validate by saying: "You really wanted the blue cup. You're so disappointed. It's hard when things aren't the way we want them." This doesn't mean you need to get the blue cup—you can hold that boundary—but you've acknowledged their emotional reality.
This approach aligns with our child-centered approach at Runningbrook, where we believe in respecting children's emotional experiences while also teaching them to navigate the realities of living in community with others.
Remember that "downstairs brain" we discussed? When your child is in the middle of a tantrum, the logical part of their brain simply isn't available. Save discussions, explanations, and problem-solving for after the storm has passed and your child has returned to a calm, regulated state.
Once calm is restored:
With older preschoolers, you might even use play-based learning techniques like role-playing with dolls or puppets to process difficult emotions and practice alternative responses.
Over time, pay attention to when tantrums tend to occur. You might notice patterns related to:
While you can't prevent all tantrums—nor should you try to shield your child from all frustration—you can sometimes reduce their frequency by addressing underlying needs proactively. If your child always melts down before dinner, perhaps a small snack might help. If transitions are difficult, giving warnings can make a difference: "In five minutes, we'll be leaving the park."
At Runningbrook, our multicultural environment has taught us that families from different cultural backgrounds may have varying perspectives on tantrums and emotional expression. Some cultures emphasize the importance of children learning to contain their emotions early, while others encourage open emotional expression. There's no single "right" way, and what works for your family will depend on your values, your community, and your individual child.
What child development research consistently supports, however, is the importance of responsive caregiving—being attuned to your child's needs and responding with warmth and consistency, whatever form that takes in your cultural context.
While tantrums are a normal part of early childhood development, there are times when it may be helpful to consult with your pediatrician or a child development specialist:
Seeking help is a sign of strength and good parenting, not weakness.
Parenting young children through tantrums is genuinely hard work. It requires patience, presence, and an enormous amount of emotional energy. If you've ever lost your cool during a tantrum, welcome to the club of imperfect, human parents—which is to say, all of us.
What matters most isn't that you handle every tantrum perfectly. What matters is that, over time, your child experiences you as a safe, loving presence who helps them navigate their biggest emotions. Through hundreds of small moments of connection and co-regulation, you are literally helping build the neural pathways that will eventually allow them to manage difficult feelings on their own.
At Runningbrook International Preschool, we partner with families in this important work. Our dedicated educators in every program—from Growing Steps through Pre-Kinder—use small group sizes and our child-centered approach to support children's emotional development alongside their cognitive and social growth. We believe that learning to understand and manage emotions is just as important as learning letters and numbers.
You are the expert on your own child. Trust yourself, be gentle with yourself, and remember: this intense period of tantrums is temporary. Your patient, loving responses are building a foundation of emotional health that will serve your child for a lifetime.