Before, During, After: A Simple Framework for Handling a Tantrum

When Big Feelings Take Over

If you have ever watched your toddler dissolve into tears in the middle of a supermarket aisle, or felt your heart race as your preschooler arches their back and screams over a snack that was cut the "wrong" way, you are not alone. Tantrums are one of the most universal experiences of early parenting, and yet they can leave even the most loving, capable parent feeling overwhelmed, embarrassed, or unsure of what to do.

At Runningbrook International Preschool, where we have welcomed over 1200 families from more than 35 countries since 1993, we have seen thousands of tantrums come and go. Here is the reassuring truth we want you to carry with you: a tantrum is not a sign that something has gone wrong. It is a sign that your child is developing exactly as they should.

In this article, we offer a simple, memorable framework to help you respond with calm and confidence: Before, During, and After. Think of it as three moments that turn a stressful meltdown into an opportunity for connection and growth.

What You Might See: Understanding the Tantrum

Tantrums are a normal part of early childhood development. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, tantrums are most common between the ages of one and three, peaking around age two, when children have big feelings and big wants but not yet the language or the brain development to manage them.

Here is what is happening underneath: the part of the brain responsible for self-control, the prefrontal cortex, is still very much under construction. As pediatric experts and researchers in early childhood, such as those at Harvard's Center on the Developing Child, remind us, young children quite literally cannot "calm down" on command, because the neural pathways for self-regulation are still forming. They build those pathways through repeated, supportive experiences with a calm adult.

Depending on your child's age, tantrums may look different:

• Growing Steps (6 months to 2 years): Crying, arching the back, throwing objects, or going limp. At this age, frustration often comes from not being able to communicate needs.
• Playgroup (2 to 3 years): The classic tantrum, complete with stomping, shouting, and the famous "no!" This is the age of growing independence colliding with limited skills.
• Kid's Club and Pre-Kinder (3 to 6 years): Tantrums become less frequent but can be more verbal, with negotiation, dramatic statements, or tears of genuine disappointment.

It is worth remembering that every child develops at their own pace. Some children move through the tantrum years quickly; others take longer. Neither is a problem to be solved, simply a rhythm to be respected.

What You Can Do: The Before, During, After Framework

Before: Setting Up for Success

Many tantrums can be softened, though never entirely eliminated, by thinking ahead. The goal is not to prevent every meltdown but to reduce the pressure on your child's still-developing emotional system.

• Watch for the warning signs. Hunger, tiredness, and overstimulation are the three biggest triggers. A child who skipped a nap or is overdue for lunch is a child on the edge. A simple snack or a quiet moment can work wonders.
• Offer small choices. "Do you want to wear the red jacket or the blue one?" gives your child a sense of control, which reduces the power struggles that often spark tantrums.
• Prepare for transitions. Moving from play to bath time, or from the park to the car, is hard for young children. A gentle warning, such as "Five more minutes and then we go," helps them adjust.

During: Staying Calm in the Storm

When the tantrum is in full swing, your most powerful tool is your own calm. Children borrow our nervous systems to regulate their own, a concept researchers call co-regulation. When you stay steady, you become the anchor your child needs.

• Lower yourself to their level. Crouch down, soften your voice, and let your body language say "I am here with you."
• Name the feeling. "You are so angry that we have to leave the park." Naming emotions helps children begin to understand them, and it tells your child that you see them.
• Keep them safe and hold the limit. You can be warm and firm at the same time. "I won't let you hit. I am right here when you are ready." You do not need to fix the feeling or give in to the demand, only to keep your child safe while the wave passes.
• Resist the urge to lecture. In the heat of the moment, a child cannot absorb explanations. Save the teaching for later.

After: Reconnecting and Learning

Once the storm has passed, this is the moment for connection, not punishment. The repair afterward is where much of the learning happens.

• Offer a hug. A meltdown is exhausting for a child. Warmth tells them that your love is not conditional on their good behavior.
• Reflect together, simply. For older children, you might gently say, "That was hard. Next time, you can tell me you are angry with words." Keep it short and kind.
• Let it go. There is no need to revisit the incident over and over. Children move on quickly, and so can you.

How This Connects to Our Approach at Runningbrook

Our child-centered, play-based philosophy is built on the belief that children learn best when they feel safe, seen, and respected. The Before, During, After framework reflects exactly how our dedicated educators support children every day, in our small groups and across our generous indoor and outdoor play spaces.

When a child has a difficult moment at our preschool, we do not rush to silence the feeling. We get down to their level, we name what is happening, and we stay close. This is early childhood development in action, and it is woven into our bilingual, multicultural environment, where children from many backgrounds learn that all feelings are welcome, even when all behaviors are not.

We also recognize that families bring different cultural perspectives on emotion and discipline. Some families value quiet composure; others encourage open expression. There is no single "right" way, and we honor the rich diversity of our community. What matters most is the warm, consistent relationship between you and your child.

A Final, Gentle Reminder

Tantrums can test your patience, your nerves, and sometimes your sense of yourself as a parent. But please hear this: handling a tantrum well does not mean handling it perfectly. It means showing up, again and again, with as much warmth as you can find in the moment.

You are the expert on your own child. You know their rhythms, their triggers, and the small gestures that comfort them better than anyone. Use the Before, During, After framework as a gentle guide, not a rulebook, and trust the deep knowledge you already carry.

Every tantrum your child moves through, with you by their side, is helping them build the emotional skills they will carry for life. And every time you respond with patience, you are teaching the most important lesson of all: that they are loved, exactly as they are.